Friday, August 7, 2009

city lights like rain

let's face it. i have nothing better to do with my time right now. i could find something, but i am lazy. at least i'm being honest with myself. good. it's a rainy, gloomy day anyway. my favorite. nature's excuse to sit inside and let your demeanor match the weather.

but much thanks to the rain, all i've done is dwell on unnecessary worries. like my job. i need a new job period. don't get me wrong, i like mine. as far as retail goes, it's great. but it's not me. i have put on this facade of being a people person but i am not. i'm shy, socially anxious, and awkward. i guess i've just had enough practice to trick even myself. hell, i wouldn't mind a job where i got to sit in a little cubicle all day and type away, slowly working my way towards a case of carpal tunnel. if i don't already have it from years of late night aim sessions and insessent texting affairs.

all humor aside. i joke about my laziness, my flaws, whatever but i know they are eating me up inside. i need to make some major changes. i'm hoping the new apartment is a step in the right direction but who knows. stubborness runs deep in my family tree, along with a number of other undesirable character traits. i know i'm worth it. i need to translate my words into action.

that's all for now.


let's go back, back to the beginning.

i'm an english major. i'm supposed to be all about reading and writing and yet it is august and i have yet to finish reading a single book. single is the key word there. i have started many, just haven't finished them. after a semester of reading nietzsche, derrida, and zizek i guess my mind has neeeded a little break.

i used to blog all the time. my emo little rants on livejournal or xanga. i guess not that much has changed. i like being emo. deep down i secretly love it, minus the whole cutting, self loathing part. i quit all that in high school. it's all about the look, thinking i'm different when really i buy all my clothes at retail chains and my lip piercings are nothing original. whatever. i guess that's just me, another face in the crowd of this sad, pathetic world. okay that was overly pessimistic.

i only have a year-ish left of school. then what? be someone's bitch at a publishing company? become a teacher and be under paid and over worked? i've worked enough god damn retail jobs to want a little extra cash and i'd be willing to work for it! i'll admit it. i'm shallow. but i still care. i want money. i want nice clothes. i want to cover my body in tattoos from the most brilliant tattoo artist i can find. i want to pay $100 for a hair cut and damn it i want bigger boobs. but i know that's not me. the guilt would start to set it. so, i guess i'll have to settle for being someone's bitch or overworked and write my legendary, soon to be best selling book on the side.

okay that's enough for now.